Five Years Ago...

As I sit and look out the window on this gloomy October day, I'm glad that the weather outside reflects a bit of how my heart is feeling.  Today my son would be Five.  Wow!  I can hardly believe that as I write it.  We've missed so much these five years.  Five years worth of birthdays, giggles, skinned knees, "I love yous", prayers, Christmas', Halloween costumes, family dinners, and so much more.  It feels more real today because today is a day that I can't just go about my day and put it to the back of my mind.  Today is a day that the busyness of my life as a mom, wife, and teacher isn't more important.  Today is a day when I'm forced to face the reality of what happened these years ago.  How is it that it can feel so long ago and yet also feel like yesterday, all at the same time? 

It's not to say that I haven't learned and grown in these five years.  I truly have!  God has taken me on quite the journey.  When I held my precious baby in my arms, while I watched the heart monitor slowly drop down to zero and I knew that the life that I had carried for those 9 months was gone forever, I really thought I had died too.  I was sure that I would not survive this.  I was sure that no one was meant to survive something like this....and let's be real...it was a pretty dark year that followed.  A dark year full of deep unspeakable sadness, grief, anger, strained relationships, and disappointment.  I know Justin thought he has lost his wife forever...but then it's true what they say...it's darkest right before the dawn.  I worked through all those feelings that year.  I felt them all and let them wash over me.  I let God take on my anger and sadness and I learned about the strength that only He can give.  I learned that when your heart breaks the way mine did five years ago...it can be restored.  Our God is a God of healing and restoration.  He is a God who fulfills his promises.  He is a God of rainbows. 

As I reflect about that time, I am thankful for the people the Lord put in my life that walked along side us through it all.  The family that loved me entirely, even when my grief was hard to take.  My friends who made meals, came over to teach me how to crochet, who sat on the couch with me and just let the tears pour from my eyes, came and did laundry for us, friends and family who scanned stores and restaurants to be sure we didn't walk down the baby isles or sit next to a baby.  My parents who moved in with us while their house was being redone, partly to be sure I was taken care. A therapist who walked the journey with me, helping me to process all that we'd been through.   A grief group full of other hurting mommies and daddies that I was able to bond with and find peace with.  People who came to the cemetery with me, or bought us keepsakes with his name on them.  People who let me talk about Peyton and didn't act uncomfortable when I did.  All of these people were the hands and feet of Christ for us...and you all know who you are.  You helped me to heal so that I could  be the mommy I was meant to be to my two precious girls.  You gave them the gift of a "whole" mommy, not a broken, sad one.  What these people did for us is irreplaceable.  Something far greater than all the money in the world.  We were and are so blessed....

So even though today is sad and makes me miss Peyton, I am thankful that I had the two short hours with him.  I loved him a lifetime during those moments.  I praise God that I have the promise of eternity with him...that my goodbye was not forever...that someday I'll be Home, and I'll finally get to wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I love him....Until then, I'll just remember him and keep on loving his sisters and daddy and do my best to honor his precious life.

Peyton Cread Blythe October 20, 2006