My cuddle bug

So when Addie was born, it was clear from the start that she was not a cuddler. She would squirm away when you tried.

Now she always wanted me near her cause she HATES to be alone, but just not cuddled. She's too busy, she can't be bothered.

So I would pray "Lord at some point, let her become a cuddler"...it was just something I longed for!

Now that she's 2,something has changed! All of the sudden she wants to cuddle in bed with us, or on the couch with us. She has started the spontaneous "I love you"s. She grabs our arm and just hugs it. She crawls up everyday and kisses and pats my tummy and says "I love you baby Brynn". It just blesses me so much to see her become such a loving and affectionate little girl. I want to bottle it up and keep it forever!

The Purple Dress

Okay, so I've been there. You know, in Target, shopping, minding my own business, when I see a tired, worn out looking woman and her toddler stroll past me. I glance at the toddler and see that they are wearing some strange mismatched outfit, with their hair a mess, a tiara in their hair, and mismatching shoes. I always used to think to myself, "I will NEVER let my child dress themselves like that". You could see the defeat in the mom's eyes. She had given up the fight! She had no fight left!

So this brings me to the "Purple Dress". The ugly, shiny, purple velvet dress up dress. My daughter has a complete OBSESSION with this dress! She DEMANDS to wear it morning, noon, and night.

I enter her room in the morning when she first wakes up and her first words to me are "Mommy, I play dress up! I want my poo-poo dress (aka purple dress)". I then have to fight with her as I change her diaper and try to get breakfast down her before putting it on her.

I was fighting her, trying to get her to take it off at nap time, but yes, I am defeated. I have given in on this point. I finally said, WHO CARES if she wears it to nap in.

I do try to pick my battles. The purple dress is not allowed on while eatting (because this thing is a pain to clean), not allowed during bathtime (don't think she hasn't tried!), and not allowed out of the house. (Seriously, who do I have all these cute Gymboree clothes, when all they are are covered by this ugly dress up dress??????)

But...let's be honest, I'm tired and pregnant...so if you see me in Target or Trader Joes and Addison is wearing this dreadful purple dress, you'll see the defeat in my eyes. You'll know that I have become that tired, worn down mother who finally just gave in cause she just can't fight a stubborn, headstrong two year old anymore!

Don't judge...

Of course, here is a picture, so you will see it. I know, at first you'll think she looks cute! And she does...but NOT day after day!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh...stab me in the heart!

So as a working mom, you make the decision to do what you feel is best and leave your child for two-five days a week (depending on your job) because you know that even though it's hard, it's the best thing for your family....right now. But let me just tell you, no matter how logical it is to have a job so you can pay your bills, live in your house, and put food on your table, there are very few things WORSE than you child screaming and crying for you as you walk out the door into the working world.

This morning, Addison woke up way too early for her (5:45!!!!). So we brought her into bed and I snuggled a bit with Elmo on in the background with her before I had to drag my booty out of bed to get ready for work. She was okay at first, saying things like "Mommy take a shower", or "Mommy go potty" (she loves to narrate all things I do). When I was done drying my hair, she says from bed "Mommy All Done". I feel like this means we're gonna have a smooth transition this morning. You see, usually when I leave for work, she is still asleep, so it saves the two of us tons of drama when she wakes up and mommy is already gone. No harm, no foul.

So I turn off the lights, get some socks out of the sock drawer, and BOOM, she realizes that I'm about to leave. So she says "Addie go bye bye too!". Of course in that moment my heart sinks. "No baby, Mommy has to go to work, you get to stay with Daddy"! Said in my most amazing voice like I was telling her "No honey, you get to take a bath in chocolate today!". Yeah...she wasn't buying it. She immediately lets out a blood curdling scream and reaches for me. She starts to crawl her way across the bed where I'm sitting putting on my shoes and socks and grabs onto me like we're on the sinking Titanic. Let me tell you, it FELT like we were on that boat! It was so heart wrenching. It took all I had to not burst our in tears and join her sob fest.

I took her in my arms, rocked her and kissed her as she still cried and told her I loved her but that I had to go to work. She held on so tight that after a few minutes, I had to literally pry her hands off me and give her to Justin. Still screaming and with Justin saying "Just GO babe!!!", I backed out of the room saying "I love you I love you I love you"....

Yeah, I KNOW that I need to be a working mom right now, but let me tell you that it SUCKS! My poor girl got her little heart broken today because she wants what all kids want and deserve. A mommy who is with them 24/7 every step of the way. (I know it's not very PC of me to wish that all mommies got to stay home, but oh well, that's just me).

So all you working moms out there...I feel for ya! We've all had mornings like this one, I know. We've all left with our heads hung in guilt and shame for leaving our precious babies. Now I just have to get out of this funk, so that I can do my job today and then rush home to the arms of my sweet baby girl, who wants nothing more in this world, than to be with ME!

A song can touch your heart like nothing else....

Spring is here, flowers are blooming, the weather is warming up, and the end of the school year is finally in sight! Addison will be two in less than two months, and the pregnancy is going great!



We're super busy in life right now it seems. Too busy to sit and even think about what is ahead of us. I feel like I'm just trying to get through each week, trying to check off my mental "to do" list, feeling like there just aren't enough hours in the day. I find it so hard to fit in my quiet time with the Lord. Being the mom of a toddler, it seems like that is just a luxury! I find that my main time with God lately is in the car, as I listen to my Christian music and sit and pray while I drive.



On my way to work today, I popped in a new CD I bought weeks ago, that I'm just finally getting around to opening and listening to. I blogged about Jana Alayra a while back, about how awesome her story and children's music is.



(Addie knows all her songs now and it blesses me beyond words to hear her little voice singing the words and doing her best to copy Jana's motions to each song...My favorite is when she sings "Nuffin, Nuffin, absoutee Nuffin" with her two little fingers up and shaking in a "no" motion...PRICELESS)



So on my way to work, I wasn't expecting anything other than my usual drive, trying to pray and give my day to the Lord. This particular CD isn't a children's CD, it's written for adults. I blogged about how she lost her little girl in a car accident, and this CD has a song on it that she wrote about her daughter. Well, of course I'm listening to it, and all of the sudden, tears are streaming down my face. It's, to say the least, amazing! It just spoke to my heart and blessed me, so I want to share the lyrics with you! I will bold the one line that touched me more than any other line in the song. I hope you enjoy what it says. Even if you've never lost a child, it helps you to see into the heart of a mom who has. (sorry if it makes you cry :)



Every Minute that I Breathe (Lynnie's Song) by Jana Alayra


Photos on the mantle
I won't change
For they still remind me
of a day
You filled our hearts
with laughter and your smile
How we loved you...
for awhile


The day came in the blinking of an eye
When suddenly we had to say goodbye
As you were soaring homeward through the blue
Part of me went right along with you


Every time I hear you in my mind
Though my heart weeps, my soul takes flight
To the place where you are
Somewhere far beyond the farthest star
Now every minute that I breathe
You live what I believe

You gave me so much more than joy
In you I saw a reason for each morn'
In a world unwinding as it spun
Holding you would make me still again
Many say your days with us were too few
But they were numbered by the Lord for you
A message of your life remains through time
Jesus gave you everlasting life

Every time I hear you in my mind
Though my heart weeps, my soul takes flight
To the place where you are
Somewhere far beyond the farthest star
New every minute that I breathe
You live what I believe
Every timeI see you dancing through my mind
Though I long to hold you, my soul takes flight
To the place where you live
To watch you sing and dance, what would I give
Now every minute that I breath
You live what I believe

One day I will see Jesus come for me
No one knows the hour He will come
I will fall at His feet for all He's done for me
Then straight into your arms I'll run...

Baby #3!!

Some of you know this...some of you don't. :)

So, my last post about this subject I told you that the doctors told us that we couldn't get pregnant due to my hormone levels, and that we SHOULDN'T get pregnant...

So when I was waking up hungry in the mornings and feeling extremely tired, I decided to take a pregnancy test, on a whim. I didn't even tell Justin I was doing it, because I knew it would be negative....

This is what I saw:



So after I picked my jaw up off the ground, I walked in and told Justin the news. He was shocked and I think his response was "No you're not!". Yeah, took a bit for us to process. We really had given it to the Lord and were fine with waiting another year, as per doctors requests.

We freaked out a bit, got on the phone with the doctors immediately, and got the ball rolling with figuring out what this meant for us.

Here is our jist of what the doctors have decided (after ALL of them congratulated us and NONE of them made us feel bad for this happening sooner than planned). We will take my blood levels every 4 weeks in order to check my thyroid levels to be sure that I don't get too high. Since we thought we were going to do radiation on the regrowth in my neck, that is now put on hold until after the baby is born. I am already being seen by the same perinatologist that was on my case with Addison. I will be seen by her every three to four weeks. Then starting again at 30 weeks I will go twice a week for heart monitoring and ultrasounds to be checked. I am feeling very confident with my care, and I feel like all hands are on deck.

So, here is our latest ultrasound pic (me holding it and taking a pic cause I don't have a scanner at home)



I am now 12 weeks, and am due on September 23. We are super excited and hope we can count on all your prayers as we go through this, yet again, scary yet amazing journey.

What gift did HE give me?

It's been awhile since I've sat down to put my heart onto the page. I guess I feel sometimes like I should only write when something seems "worthy" to be written about. That's my own hang up (I have lots of them). But today I was blessed and wanted to share...

I was at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and we had a special speaker Jana Alayra. She was AMAZING to say the least. She is a singer/song writer based in Orange County and mainly does children's christian music, but also has some CDs for adults. Anyway, she was giving her testimony, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. I of course struggled and cried a bit harder, due to her story. Bless her heart, she lost her daughter at age 4 in a car accident where she was driving. (Ugh, kick me in the gut with that one). She went on to explain how Christ was with her in this experience and loss. How she felt that He always gives us a "gift" when we experience such tragedy. (I'm not doing her story justice, I'm sorry).

Well, all the memories of Peyton were flooding back to me as she was talking. See, usually I do a pretty good about keeping those at bay. I sort of have a script that I'm used to saying when I share with people about the loss of our boy. It's kind of like I go on auto pilot and don't let myself "feel" the story as I tell it. It's self preservation I guess. There's no way I could live in "that painful place" everyday. I wouldn't be able to put one foot in front of the other. So we sort of lock those parts away, and the rawness of it all. Oh course today that door flew open and I couldn't keep the tears from falling. It's this way whenever I meet another mom who's lost a child. I get their heart and they get mine.

So when she said that God gave her the gift of knowing, really knowing, that Christ was with her through it and had a plan, I thought "What was my gift Lord?" I often look back on how I handled our loss and wonder, "did I do it right?" There's not a manuel. There's not a one size fits all grief outfit to put on.

Lord, did I do what you wanted? Did I learn what you wanted me to learn? What was my gift?

I felt like right then, He spoke to me. He showed me my gift that He gave to me. I truly believe that God gave me the gift of clarity when I shouldn't have had it. He showed me that 75% of marriages crumble and die of divorce after the loss of a child. He showed me that I didn't want to be in that percent. That we needed counseling to get through this. He showed me that I needed to take the time to heal myself and our marriage and to do the hard work it involved (even if others didn't get it) so that I could become whole again. So I could be the wife and mom God meant for me to be for my future kids. He showed me that I could go down the path of pain and bitterness, or I could go down the path of painful healing. I just always KNEW that I needed to get better. I couldn't bury my head in the sand. Looking back, that was my gift. The Heavenly Father knew I needed that gift, and met me right where I was and walked each one of those heartbreaking days with me. Growing me, stretching me, molding me. And He gave me the promise that this is not permanent. That Peyton is with Him and just waiting for me to join them! How great is that? My goodbye was not a forever goodbye, it was more like a see you soon. Another gift....

When the world gives you more than you think you could ever manage or handle...look for HIS gifts. They're there, just waiting for us to open them.

Fun with Friends

We spent the day with our friends at the park and for lunch. Addie LOVES to play with "Gabey Hannah" said like it's one word. Gabe and Hannah are my good friend Kim's twins. They're about 6 months older than Addison and for the most part they all play really well together.

Hannah is quite the little talker and helper. She's sort of the ring leader, with Addie wanting to do whatever she is doing. Here she was running from the camera and I got her right as she struck a little DIVA pose.



Gabe, being ALL boy, is of course the resident car/truck guy stopping whenever he sees one go by.



Then there's Addie who always wants to color, and by that I mean eat the crayons and chalk. She is also the one "walking around" the park, and not actually playing on much of the equipment. This picture is a rarity.



So we spent the day first at the new park by the Plunge in Brea, and then off we went to get our FREE Chick Fil A meal. Kim had never been there and was shocked at how crowded it was...but come on, Biola kids hear FREE and they come in droves. So we ended up meeting Daddy there too and we all ate our free chicken fingers and they gave the kids some balloons.



Hannah decided she didn't want one (as you can tell in the picture), until Addie lost one in the air and we gave her Hannah's and then of course she wanted it back! Oh the joys of "toddlerhood". All in all, it was a great day with friends.