What gift did HE give me?

It's been awhile since I've sat down to put my heart onto the page. I guess I feel sometimes like I should only write when something seems "worthy" to be written about. That's my own hang up (I have lots of them). But today I was blessed and wanted to share...

I was at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and we had a special speaker Jana Alayra. She was AMAZING to say the least. She is a singer/song writer based in Orange County and mainly does children's christian music, but also has some CDs for adults. Anyway, she was giving her testimony, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. I of course struggled and cried a bit harder, due to her story. Bless her heart, she lost her daughter at age 4 in a car accident where she was driving. (Ugh, kick me in the gut with that one). She went on to explain how Christ was with her in this experience and loss. How she felt that He always gives us a "gift" when we experience such tragedy. (I'm not doing her story justice, I'm sorry).

Well, all the memories of Peyton were flooding back to me as she was talking. See, usually I do a pretty good about keeping those at bay. I sort of have a script that I'm used to saying when I share with people about the loss of our boy. It's kind of like I go on auto pilot and don't let myself "feel" the story as I tell it. It's self preservation I guess. There's no way I could live in "that painful place" everyday. I wouldn't be able to put one foot in front of the other. So we sort of lock those parts away, and the rawness of it all. Oh course today that door flew open and I couldn't keep the tears from falling. It's this way whenever I meet another mom who's lost a child. I get their heart and they get mine.

So when she said that God gave her the gift of knowing, really knowing, that Christ was with her through it and had a plan, I thought "What was my gift Lord?" I often look back on how I handled our loss and wonder, "did I do it right?" There's not a manuel. There's not a one size fits all grief outfit to put on.

Lord, did I do what you wanted? Did I learn what you wanted me to learn? What was my gift?

I felt like right then, He spoke to me. He showed me my gift that He gave to me. I truly believe that God gave me the gift of clarity when I shouldn't have had it. He showed me that 75% of marriages crumble and die of divorce after the loss of a child. He showed me that I didn't want to be in that percent. That we needed counseling to get through this. He showed me that I needed to take the time to heal myself and our marriage and to do the hard work it involved (even if others didn't get it) so that I could become whole again. So I could be the wife and mom God meant for me to be for my future kids. He showed me that I could go down the path of pain and bitterness, or I could go down the path of painful healing. I just always KNEW that I needed to get better. I couldn't bury my head in the sand. Looking back, that was my gift. The Heavenly Father knew I needed that gift, and met me right where I was and walked each one of those heartbreaking days with me. Growing me, stretching me, molding me. And He gave me the promise that this is not permanent. That Peyton is with Him and just waiting for me to join them! How great is that? My goodbye was not a forever goodbye, it was more like a see you soon. Another gift....

When the world gives you more than you think you could ever manage or handle...look for HIS gifts. They're there, just waiting for us to open them.