Remembering him...

So, it hit me today. For most of my life around this time of year, I would start to get excited because I knew my birthday was around the corner. I've always been a birthday person and LOVED my birthday. But that has all changed. My birthday is now just barely a blip on my radar screen now. It is, and always will be, overshadowed by a different birthday. Peyton's birthday.

I was sitting there today and it all of the sudden occurred to me that in two weeks, Peyton would be three years old! THREE! He would be running around with a truck or dinosaur in his hand, tattling on Addison, getting dirty, and rough housing with Justin. He'd be saying prayers with me at bedtime and saying "I love you mommy" and I tucked him in. He'd know his letters, his numbers, his colors and probably even know how to read a few words (cause his mommy is a teacher of course). We'd be looking into preschools and hearing about what he learned in Sunday School. Our life would be so different than it is today. I'd be planning a party for him. But all of that changed when we lost him. Our path, our course changed forever.

Yes, time helps...it makes the sting less, but the pain is always there. Like when you lose a limb, they say that you still get phantom pain. It comes in waves, and hits the hardest at times like this...his birthday and Christmas being the hardest. But a mom never forgets. A mom's heart never forgets, never stops loving. I can picture him. I can almost hear him sometimes. I miss him. I know we'll be okay. I know we have survived his passing and our loss, but I'm forever changed. Survivors survive, but they don't forget. I'm forever the mommy of my sweet boy and I'm forever wishing that I could have had the honor to watch him grow up and become a man. I'm wishing I was putting three candles on a cake and singing "happy birthday" and seeing the joy in his eyes as he opened presents. I'm the mom of a son, and that will never change. I love him today as much as I did when I held him in my arms. He's my baby...my sweet baby boy.